‘How to make marriages work’

Dr Vic Victor is a practising lawyer based in Houston, Texas and host of International Relationship Conference, which holds in Nigeria, South Africa and the United States of America annually. He spoke with Sunday Oguntola on matrimonial affairs. Excerpts:


Why are families packing up these days?
There are several reasons for the mass failure of marriages in our society. Some of these reasons are specific to nations, cultures and subcultures. For instance, some experts posit that there is a direct correlation between the movement for emancipation of women under the various women liberation and the failure of marriages.

I agree with this conclusion to the extent that women have always been the preservers of marriages and families. Anything that affects women and how they view themselves is bound to affect our marriages and family units. Women endure and sacrifice a lot for the family to remain intact.

Another historical reason is that we have seen in cultures that were previously oppressed is what we in Twogether for ever call “the wusification of men”.

“Wusification” is the policy of the oppressor (the slave master, the colonial master, the economic master) to take away the manhood of the oppressed men. This is very evident among the African Americans of the United States, the blacks in the Caribbeans and the Southern Africa.

In those cultures, the role of men and the psyche of men were deliberately redefined to reduce threats of rebellion and violence. The net result of that are men who are less of “KuntaKinte”, the epitome of the brave African man.

Now you have absentee fathers, deadbeat dads and baby mamas who are not interested in making a good nest for the children before they have them.

Other reasons, which are perhaps more specific to the culture in Nigeria, are the influence of western education and culture. It is amazing how Africans adore bad American and British cultures. The things that I see on our televisions in broad day light in our eateries and public places are things that cannot be shown anywhere you have children.

Add to that the domino effect of a culture that has been thoroughly messed with and redefined in the US and Europe. These are the underlining causes of divorce and separation.

The more visible symptoms are money matters, lack of communication and couples’ inability to nurture their marriages. I see Nigerian and Middle Eastern women and their children in the best vacation spots in the world. I always ask where are their fathers?

The fathers are at home, at work or just not part of the deal. The problem here is that we want to copy the westerners without copying the whole thing. No American woman will haul five children to Kenya or Disney World without their dads. Vacation time is family time to bond, refresh and regroup.

Submission has been largely controversial. To what extent should a wife be submissive to her husband?
I will like to be politically incorrect here and hopefully scripturally correct. A woman should submit to her own husband at all times. We always advise young women to make sure that the man they are marrying is big enough, smart enough and strong enough to earn and command their respect.

The Bible did not qualify the responsibility of wives submitting to their own husband. What the Bible contemplated is a husband that loves his wife so much that he is willing to die for her. Any man who has that much love for his wife should demand that his wife submit to him. At the end of the day, the man is working to make the woman and the children happy. I think about it if a man is working for the welfare of his wife, who is the boss? Submission is not a dirty word; it is a directive that saves marriages and keeps families together. You cannot have two captains in one ship.

Is love enough to make a marriage work?
It depends on how you define love. If a man defines love as doing all that he can to make his wife happy, encourage her spiritually and play his role as a father, husband and pastor of the house, then that kind of love can sustain any marriage.

If love means being the best wife to her husband then that love can sustain a marriage. Love is an action work. If it is backed by responsive actions, the answer is yes.

What is your forthcoming conference all about?
The International Relationship Conference is an event that holds annually in Nigeria, Houston, Texas and Johannesburg, SA. The idea is to prepare singles and courting couples on the art of marriage before the event starts.

It is said that prayerful preparation prevents a poor performance. We have a mandate to equip couples on how to enjoy their marriage and not endure it. There is a statistic that says that it takes five generations of corrective actions to restore a marriage broken down because a divorce leads to several divorcing threats in a family and society.

The circle will definitely continue with some of the children unless broken. An abusive father will raise children who are abusive. If we have not taught them, we cannot blame them. Twogether For Ever through the international conference on relationship is teaching relationships.

What do you imagine would have happened after the conference?
This conference is a date with destiny. I imagine that destiny keepers who attend the conference would have made an investment of a lifetime. Destiny is an irresistible path that one must take. Participants will be equipped to understand relationships and make informed decisions about life.
This conference will remove all confusions and guess works about relationships. Participants will be empowered to walk with confidence in life.

What will be unique?
The International Relationship Conference is the mother of all relationship conferences that combines learning life skills with a touch of red entertainment.

The curriculum for the seminar was drafted from real life experiences gathered from counselling pre- and post-marital couples, television interviews, radio interviews and conferences questions. The conference also boasts of guest speakers who have distinguished themselves in specific areas of relationships in the “Nigeria context.”

The red carpet event is a formal relaxing evening of entertainment and fun hosted by our own comedian extra ordinarie, Holy Mallam. Any comedian can crack a joke but not all comedians can keep their audience cracking and righteous at the same time. We will be joined by Houston’s own gospel recording artist, Stacy Egbo, who will be ministering that evening.

Couples will get a chance to renew their vows and strengthen their relationships. Singles and courting couples will not be left out. There will be a meet-and-greet for interaction and fun.