Kalu Ikeagwu: Why I’m still single

Despite being a handsome and stylish guy, Tinsel star, Kalu Ikeagwu is still single. And guess what, he is not in a hurry to tie the knot!  In this chat with CHRISTIAN AGADIBE, he opens up on his child hood, acting and how he defied his dad to pursue his lifelong dream, and of course, why he is still single at his age. Excerpts:

What are you currently working on?
I just finished lecturing youths at the Centre for Media Development and obviously I am on Tinsel. I have a movie I am also working on but I can’t disclose much at the moment; I’ll be working in Benue State. I am doing some research on the project right now.

Aside being an actor, who is Kalu Ikeagwu?
I am a man who’s very passionate about what he does. I am an educator and I write as well. By nature I am an introvert. I like to think a lot and seek to know what life is all about. I like to travel a lot as well. The reason being that I see travelling as another way of educating myself; I love experiencing the diverse cultures of the world.

What was your growing up like?
Growing up was very interesting. It’s the result of what I am today. I spent my childhood in England. My dad insisted on my learning an indigenous language, which is Igbo. I lived in Zambia, Cameroon and England before I came back home so I got to experience diverse cultures. Back home, I was thrown into boarding school which was very traumatic for me because I wasn’t used to it, so I ran away from school.

You ran away from school?
Yes, I went to six different schools here in Nigeria. I ran away because it was very stressful. All of a sudden I began to fetch water and go to the stream alongside all sorts of punishment. It was traumatic! I was pretty young and I missed my family especially my mum. I did all I could to get back to them and refused to go to school in protest. Incidentally, most of the time I spent outside the classroom I spent in the library. The library was my hideout where I read all the things I know today. Those years were very formative. I knew how painful it was to do something you didn’t want to. Instead of being the medical doctor my dad wanted me to be, I got into acting because I knew that I could only excel when I did things I had a passion for.

Were your parents in support of your acting career?
My dad never stopped me from acting but he wanted me to be a doctor. My father forced me to do science subjects which I didn’t really like so I ran away from school for four years. I didn’t go to school and policemen were looking for me. Incidentally, for every day I spent outside the classroom, I spent in the library reading stuff I loved. I told my dad I wanted to study English Literature and we had a huge fight over that but at some point he relented and asked me to go for law instead but I said ‘no, it’s English Literature or nothing!’. And he never questioned it after that.

How did he feel when you became a successful actor?
My dad is late. He died before he saw my works. I think he knew that I was definitely going to make it probably from the way I worked. I didn’t think he had any doubts. The rest of my family has been very supportive.

Are you still single?
Yes I am.

Are you in a relationship right now?
I will not answer that right now.

Most of your fans would like to know why you are still single…?
Do I want to get married? Yes. But that would be when I find the right person; I mean that person I love so much and want to spend the rest of my life with; that’s when I’ll settle down.

What challenges are you facing finding Miss Right?
The reason why I am not married now is that marriage is very important to me. I have come to terms with the fact that marriage is the most important institution from God. And I take that very seriously. Ultimately I would like my relationship with my wife to be like that between God and the church; that’s why it is important to me. I wouldn’t say it’s been challenging though. I have gone through a lot of experiences that made me wise. When I get married, my experiences would make me a wise, good and a loving father.

What are those qualities you look out for in a woman?
I like a woman with a great sense of humor; that’s very important to me. And of course, she has to be very attractive and intelligent. Above everything else she should have a close relationship with God because that’s very important to me as well. That’s exactly why I am yet to get married. I want to be successful in my marriage just as I am in my career.

There are lots of pretty girls in the industry. Would you like to marry an actress?
If she is the kind of person I need, why not?

How would you assess Nollywood today?
Nollywood today is doing very well. We have come a long way. We are going through changes though we have made our mark. We have done it with our own money without government support. We have been able to do it because it’s something we believed in. I see a great future for Africa.

What’s been your happiest moment as an actor?
I think one of the happiest moments I’ve had so far was the day I went shopping and a lady walked up to me and thanked me profusely for showing men how to be caring and loving, due to the characters I portray; that was really touching for me.

How do you handle females pressuring you for a date?
It feels great to be adored by women but at the same time one has to be careful. They make me feel I am important to them and that makes them important to me. I accommodate and respect them as much as possible but on a cordial level, I can only love one woman.

Can you act nude?
I have no problems going nude as long as it is required in a script. What matters to me is the message I am passing. If the message to be passed is important then I will go nude; I have no problem with that.

What is your advice for up-and-coming actors?
For up-and-coming actors, my advice is, don’t do it for the money or fame. Do it because you love what you are doing; do it because you have passion for it.

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Sex Is More Than Making Babies

Babies…

A recent encounter with a married young man in his mid-thirties, a father of three, who came calling to complain about his frustration with his dwindling sexual prowess, largely predicated on the recurring symptoms of pre-mature ejaculation and un-sustained erection makes a discourse on the highlighted topic on spot today.

Back to the argument of “sex is not necessarily for babies’ making hypothesis”; over the years, I have argued that the essence of sexual intercourse between the opposite sexes is primarily for the sensual enjoyment of the partakers in the act and not primarily for the propagation of our species - the Homo sapiens. The popular notion and teaching that sex or copulation in human beings is mainly for the purpose of procreation is definitely not supported by available scientific logic and other related facts.

Take the evolution’s viewpoint for example; the act of sexual intercourse is not exactly the same thing to human beings as it is to lower animals on the evolutionary tree. To us, sex has become part of our day-to-day emotional expression of both love and hate. How do I mean? Ordinarily, the norm is to have sexual attraction to a loved one whereas the opposite is the case to somebody we hate. On the other hand, to the lower beings on the evolutionary tree, copulation serves mainly as a process to aid the passage of the male’s gametes (sperm cells) into the female reproductive tract; this is toward fertilising the female’s gametes (eggs) for the propagation of the species- nothing more is attached.

Another convincing argument comes to light here: most lower animals approach each other for sex only during their so called ‘heat’  period; that is, when the female is physiologically ready to make new offspring, equivalent to when the female Homo sapien is about to ovulate in humans. However, for human beings, sexual attraction can takes place any day, including those days far away from the ovulation day; in fact, sex in human can occur any moment for that matter.

To humans, it does not matter if the lady is about to ovulate or if she is just starting her menstrual cycle or even if she is menstruating - no prohibitions per se, except probably for aesthetics reason or as the case may be.

Another point which supports the notion that sex does not exist primarily for procreation, as some would argue especially from certain religious-moral angle, is that pregnancy as a by-product of sexual activity can actually occur in only 1 in 10 (i.e. just 10%) of the days available for sexual activity. This is inferred from the fact that it had been scientifically proven that the male sperm cells will only survive in the female reproductive tract for a maximum of seventy-two (72) hours; just as the female ovum (egg) will only survive for a maximum of twelve (12) to twenty-four (24) hours. In other words, the fertile days in a woman are only 3 days in a month at the most.

Hence, in a lady with the not uncommon 30 days cycles, only 3 days make up the real unsafe period for her during the month. Implying here that, away from these days, she and her partner can enjoy to the fullest the satisfaction derived from sex, without the ‘complication’ of getting pregnant.

It thus appears that as we move up the evolutionary tree, nature has changed the focus or the essence of sex from being mainly for the purpose of making new offspring to that of self-rediscovery and emotion’s manifestation. This is further exhibited by the fact that, within the reproductive tract of the female a lot of barriers are in place to make it virtually impossible for the sperm cells ‘to make it’ to the unfertilised egg, especially outside the fertile days.

The following simple mathematical interpretation suffices here: whereas for majority of women, one egg is produced during the ovulation period; for fertilisation to occur however, the male needs to produce and get in as much as 100million of sperm cells into the female genital passage before pregnancy can be contemplated. In other words, the probability of getting pregnant with numbers of egg to sperm cells is in the vicinity of 1/100,000,000!

So, why the need to produce so much sperm cells, in hundreds of millions, to fertilise just a single egg? The reason is mainly because of the many biologicall barriers on the path of the sperm cells to the egg in the female reproductive tract, ostensibly to prevent pregnancy from occurring; this especially so in the vagina canal, which is quite hostile to the survival of the sperm cells inside the female and where 99% of the sperm cells in the semen usually perished after ejaculation.

The above is explained by the fact that whereas the sperm cells survive in alkaline medium i.e. the semen, the secretion in the vagina is mainly acidic in nature, which is very hostile to the sperm cells and antithetical to their survival. With this, millions of sperm cells perished in the vaginal canal (more than 99%) going no further to perform the role of fertilizing the egg. For the rest, and a very small minority of the original for that matter, the barrier hasn’t come to an end. They will still have to overcome the barrier effect of the secretion at the cervix which forms the entrance into the womb. The cervical secretion most times is thick, thus hampering the smooth swimming of the sperm cells towards fertilising the egg. Similarly, in a number of women, the cervical secretion also contains antibodies that actually attack the sperm cells and make them unviable.

Another contending factor against the sperm cell ‘making it’ to the ovum is that viable fertilisation of the two can only occur at a particular point in the Fallopian tube which connects the eggs’ production site (the ovary) to the womb. So, if a sperm cell is ‘unlucky’ enough to fertilise the ovum after it has passed through the aforementioned ‘point for viable fertilisation’ called the ‘Ampullary region’ -   such fertilised egg becomes unviable and it is subsequently lost and aborted.

From the foregoing, it becomes clear that the actual ‘risk’ of getting pregnant from sexual intercourse is quiet low, so much that it could be argued correctly that pregnancy appears to be the ‘by-product’ rather than the main essence for sexual intercourse in humans.

The above contentions then brings to the fore that sex must necessarily exist for other reason in human beings, other than for making babies. This reason is the expression of our innermost emotion/affection transferred in the course of sexual activities; and this, should be explored to the fullest.

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Most Nigerian men aren’t romantic — Chelsea Eze

Chelsea Eze

Nollywood actress, Chelsea Eze, tells Ademola Olonilua about her career and love life

Asides movies what do you have a passion for?

I have a passion for movie production and singing. As someone in the arts, it is necessary to master a few other things relating to the arts, for instance other languages, martial arts, singing  and many more. So yes, I think singing would come in handy for me as an actress at some point.

Would you say you are a better singer than an actress?

I can’t really say. In fact,I wouldn’t know.

We have seen actresses delving into music, is such in your future plans?

It is not a Plan B per se. It is just an area I think I might want to explore.

If you were to choose a male Nigerian singer to do collaboration with, who would you choose?

I certainly would choose M.I and it is because I like his versatility. I like soulful music, techno and even country music. But I have no streamlined genre for now.

How has it been for a fast rising actress like you in the industry?

It has been quite a journey. There have been so many ups and downs, which are expected but in all, I give glory to God. Being an actress has its perks. You work and people appreciate your work through awards given to you. Thankfully, I have a few of such awards. Certain doors are opened on the premise of being an actress. For me, one of the downsides is the endless scrutiny from others.  People who do not know you personally but feel they know you because they see you in the movies, constantly try to figure out what you are about and they judge you based on what they have in their heads. That can be very difficult to handle at times.

How often do you find time for friends and do you still hang out with friends who knew you before stardom?

I try to do that really, I do. Old friends are still the best of friends. We are still true to each other and there is no inferiority complex. I always have time for my friends.

How often do you get hit on by men?

I don’t know.  I haven’t been keeping record but it happens quite a lot.

Would you mind sharing some hilarious pick-up lines you have heard from guys?

One time this guy walks up to me after church actually and says, ‘Hi, my name is Mr. X. I’m building a house just for the two of us. I want you to be my wife. In fact, I see you as my wife already.’ And then he shows me the picture of ‘the house’ he’s building. There was a time, another guy saw me at the mall and said, ‘If you let me, I won’t make you wait for years’. I was confused at first; apparently the line was based on a movie he had seen me in. In that movie, I was engaged to a guy for a long time. Another one once told me, ‘I call you baby oku (hot baby) because you make me hot baby’. I tell you, I have heard so many ridiculous pick-up lines.

What’s your greatest aspiration in life?

I aspire to be the best there can be in any and everything I find myself doing. A very close friend always says, ‘There is a place called forward and that is where we are headed’. So it is a continuous movement. In the end, I aspire to create and live a legacy that would live on even after me.

Assessing your life so far, are you impressed or depressed with yourself?

I can never be depressed with myself. I’m happy that I have come this far. That pushes me to always push further. I can’t go back now. I’ve come too far to back down.

What is the craziest thing a male fan has done to you?

I don’t think there’s any for now. At least none is coming to mind.

Would you mind featuring in Yoruba movies or even Hausa movies since you were once based in the North?

Yes. I’m actually looking forward to doing movies like that especially a Hausa movie or a movie that requires me to speak a different language. Watch out, I just might be doing something like that soon. I can’t talk so much about that for now. That’s the challenge that I’m looking forward to. I think every actor wants to do something out of their comfort zone. Fear is an amour of the devil. Well, I don’t acknowledge fears. It is of the devil.

What are you currently working on?

I am working on a couple of projects amongst which are films and also television shows.

You once said you have 30 pairs of shoes, what’s your closet like?

Well since I’m not living in my personal house yet, I converted two rooms into a closet.

Are you in any relationship right now?

Yes I am seeing someone.

Do you find Nigerian guys romantic?

I don’t think the average Nigerian guy understands romance but I know a few who are.

What’s the most romantic and unromantic thing a guy has done for you?

The most romantic thing was a guy flying from a very far place to come support me on a day that I needed him so much. I can’t think of any unromantic one right now.

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‘"Sex Is Very Painful; I Thought I Was Going To Die" – Former Ms Nigeria, Nike Osinowo Opens Up Amidst Stories That She Just Had Twins By Buying Sperm

It has been recently reported that former Miss Nigeria, Chief Adenike Oshinowo is now a mother of twins (a boy and a girl) via surrogacy.

The twins are Nike's biological children but was carried and birthed by another woman. It has also been alleged that the 47-year-old entrepreneur who battles with a disease called endometriosis, bought sperm from a sperm bank in the US.


Last week, she talked about her long term association with the disease (endometriosis is a disorder that occurs when the endometrium (cells lining the uterus) grow in other areas of the body, causing excruciating pain.)

Medical experts identify endometriosis as a significant factor in unexplained female infertility, chronic pelvic pain, and other gynaecological problems.

Read what she says below:
I have lived with endometriosis since the age of 13.  I was sent to boarding school in England when I was seven. I went to prep school. It was during the first few days in secondary school that I began my periods (menstrual). They called the ambulance and I was hospitalized for 10 days because the pain started and wouldn’t stop.

I thought I was going to die, the first two days, I was in the infirmary with the matron and she kept saying, ‘O Adenike! We understand that you miss home, we understand that it’s a rite of passage, we understand it is difficult for you, we understand that every girl must go through it, but just bear it’.

I’m telling this story because it happened in England and, supposedly, the white people, who knew best, yet had no idea what was wrong with me. Every female student they had dealt with had had a normal period and coped with it, so they could not understand why I was dramatizing. They thought I just wanted attention. The pain was so intense I passed out. They called the ambulance and I was hospitalized. The challenge was now to get me to stop bleeding.

Challenge
Living with endometriosis is a challenge. When you see your doctor, your doctor just tries to treat the symptoms and assumes the pain revolves around your menstrual cycle. But this is not so. This pain affects every single aspect of your life.

I, as Nike Oshinowo, have never had an examination without my period, I have never traveled without my period. There are so many things I have never done without my period. When I am very happy my period comes. When I’m depressed, my period is there. I learned to just cope with it.

I love the quote that women wear their pain like stilettos. That is what I have been doing.

At 40
Until I turned 40, Nigerians didn’t know I suffered from endometriosis. When I turned 40, I granted an interview and Nigerians understood why I never drank alcohol. You cannot be on medication and take alcohol. It was finally understood why I was so clean cut and into healthy living.

At last it was understood why if I come to your party, at 8pm I had to go home to bed and to take my pain killers; because when you live with endometriosis, you live with pain. I have a library in my home. It is a library about pain. I have so many books on pain cure.

Ignorance
It is extraordinary the effect that endometriosis has on your life especially if you are ignorant. Ignorance is of two types – knowingly or unknowingly. My mother, unknowingly, was ignorant, because nobody had educated her about endometriosis.
She had two daughters, one didn’t suffer every month, the other did, but my mother didn’t bother about it. She just figured the one that suffered would grow out of it, especially since the doctors just recommended pain killers.

Pain
I talk about this pain, now, so that mothers, when their young daughters are starting their periods for the first time, and it is traumatic, they will go and sit with the doctors, ask questions and have it checked out.

Mine was left so late in life in spite of the fact that I grew up in England. It was frightening. I wish I had someone to blame, I wish I could blame the doctors. I have had so many surgeries I have lost count. I remember when Michael Jackson died and they talked about a drug he had been taking and I exclaimed –’ oh yes, I have taken that drug!’ You try everything to make the pain go away, so all I know is that I would not want a child of mine to suffer endometriosis. No. The only way to make sure that does not happen is to educate as many as I can.

Understanding
Everyone understands what cancer is. People know how to check for breast cancer, and are aware that, for cervical cancer, you do a pap smear. But endometriosis is not that easy. There are symptoms mothers and fathers, nurses and aunts and other caregivers can watch out for so that there would be no needless suffering like I had. I am living with endometriosis. I was born with it and there is no cure.  Hopefully by the time I have menopause it will be better because once you stop menstruating, everything is over. Hopefully!

Have a baby
One ignorant doctor told me to try to have a baby because once you have a baby, the pain would all go away. I thought to myself that if I had a gun I would have shot that doctor, and I would have been locked away and there would be no one to give me pain killers. The reason for that relief generally is that when you are pregnant, you don’t have periods and a long gap of not menstruating actually abates the symptoms of endometriosis.

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Conspicuous Signs That He Is In Love With You

 

Many  women are in doubt whether the man in their life is in love with them or not. Some would say that it is not how much he calls or sends text messages that guarantees one’s love for his partner. Blessing Ukemena writes with report from YourTango.com

He loves you, he loves you not. Love is confusing sometimes, and some women need more than words to convince them that you are in love with them. So, ladies if you suspect your new boyfriend has fallen head-over-heels for you, look for the hard-to-miss signs that he’s in love with you.

He Treats You With Respect

When a man is in love with a woman, he respects her. He cares about the details of her life. He treats her well. If your guy values your opinions, compliments your character, celebrates your accomplishments, pays attention to details, and even accommodates your quirky habits – he stocks the fridge with Diet Coke even though he can’t stand the stuff, for example – you’ve got a keeper who’s falling fast and hard for you.

You’re Always On His Mind

Does he send you funny texts during the day? Do songs, signs and hilarious headlines remind him of you? Does he Google last night’s unresolved debate. “Which is healthier: ice cream or gelato? when he’s at work”. When you become a very present part of his day even when you’re apart, he’s invested in the relationship.

He Compromises

Love can soften the heart. Being right isn’t as important as doing right by the other person. When your beau starts to meet you in the middle on topics he’s typically stubborn about — maybe he’s a movie snob suddenly willing to let you pick a flick he’d otherwise never watch — he’s leading with his heart instead of his head. Signs of selflessness are huge indicators that he’s in love.

He Touches You In Public

Most guys have no qualms about touching their girlfriends in private. With public displays of affection, however, they can be a little more hesitant. When your man puts his arm around you in public, he’s both proudly announcing to the world that you’re together and making a protective gesture. Another love gesture: when he starts offering the hugs and cuddles you crave, with no expectation of sex. He wants to serve you with physical touch, not use it just to get what he wants.

He Wants To Take Care Of You

Women often roll their eyes at men’s “fix it” instincts; and while he may not be able to fix every bad day, the fact that he tries only points to the fact that he deeply cares about you. He wants to make things better. He wants to provide for you, practically and emotionally. He wants to make you smile. When he puts in the effort to comfort and reassure you, he’s saying “I love you” in both word and deed.

He Wants You To Love His Family

Does he want you to meet everyone who’s important to him? When he’s ready to introduce you to people who matter most and is equally eager to meet your friends and family, it shows he has no intentions of going anywhere else. He’s proud to be with you and wants his family to fall in love with you, too.

He’s Not Afraid To Fight Or Apologise

Sometimes, it takes a fight or two to understand just how strong a relationship is. A man in love is one who isn’t afraid of conflict or apologies. Instead, he fights fair, respects you when things get rocky, listens to your perspective, hates to see you upset, and wants to resolve things well. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is the most inaccurate movie tag line ever. (Sorry, “Love Story.”)  Love means dropping the pride, admitting when you’re wrong and never being afraid to say you’re sorry.

 ‘We’ Replaces ‘I’

Listen to his word choices. When he starts using words like “we,” “us,” and “Team Awesome”, know that something is on. Every guy will have his own way to describe the unit you’ve become. He’s not thinking of himself as a single man anymore. You’re now part of his life. And he loves that.

When He Talks About The Future, You’re In It

Does he make plans for the future that include you? Is he inviting you to his buddy’s wedding next fall? Does he joke about your future children together? When he’s got a future with you on his mind, he’s already decided that he has no intentions of letting you go.

He Says It

If he says he loves you, believe him, but also make sure that his word match his actions. Some men are now prone to tossing the “Love” word around. If he acts what he says, then you can believe him. A man in love can’t keep it to himself for long.

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10 dating red flags that should send you running

 

Going out on a date with anyone is a leap of faith. We trust that they aren’t an ax murderer or a weird or someone bent on worldwide destruction. Most of the time, dates go bad for any number of reasons, both big and small -- he picks his teeth or talks about himself too much. You find there is no chemistry or he is simply not that interesting to you.

Sometimes, however, it’s harder to tell. Sometimes a guy seems perfectly nice and there is some chemistry, but you still can’t really tell.

For those situations, there are some obvious ways to help yourself know if he deserves a second date. Here are 10 dating red flags that should either send you running or make you proceed with extreme caution. Here they are:

He tips badly: Bad tippers are often selfish people. He doesn’t have to be the king of all tippers, but less than 15 percent tells me he will be cheap and ungenerous in other ways, too.

He calls his mom and dad “mommy” and “daddy”: My husband totally does this and maybe it’s a Southern thing, but this is super weird to me.

He is disrespectful about ex-girlfriends/ex-wives: Every person has an ex who hurts them in some way and every person has baggage left from old relationships. But smart people learn from those relationships and find ways to respect what they learned. Someone who didn’t wouldn’t be great to date.

He is rude to waiters: Anyone who is rude to waiter staff or people in retail stores will eventually be rude to you as well. Watch this one.

He doesn’t read books: This could be just me. But when I dated a man, I wanted to know what books he reads, and if he hadn’t read any recently, that said something to me. Even if they were books I wouldn’t have read (my husband reads science textbooks), I wanted a man who reads SOMETHING for pleasure. I was looking for a well-read man who was intellectually curious. To me, this said he wasn’t.

He smokes: In this day and age, smoking is just gross. No matter how cool he is, a guy who doesn’t take care of his health isn’t a guy I would want to be with.

He doesn’t work out: This is really not a red flag for everyone, but for me, it’s very important that a guy appreciates taking care of his body and working out as much as I do. My family is very outdoorsy and active and I always knew I wanted it to be that way.

He disparages women: A friend went on a date with a guy who laughed about some other woman’s “fat ass.” My skinny friend didn’t take it personally, but she did realise that this wasn’t a man who respected women.

He is not interested in the news: If a man can’t talk about current events and has no idea what is going on in the world, he isn’t the man for me.

He hasn’t traveled or has no desire: To me, traveling is one of the key markers of intellectual curiosity. A man who hasn’t traveled or who doesn’t desire to do so isn’t a man I could see building a life with since it’s something I couldn’t live without.

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What's next after saying "I do"?

 

The evening was perfect. The planner had done everything to my specifications. I had always wanted a wedding by the beach with a few close friends and family in attendance. Country music played softly at the background. The food and wine was exquisite. And my dress?! Oh my, it was the most beautiful wedding dress exclusively ever made.

Beneath the caressing sunset, I said “I do” to my husband, my fiancé of two years and boyfriend of four years. My husband, my prince charming. And with a deep kiss, we were set on our journey to a forever happily after. Oh, how wrong I was!

It started a few days after our honeymoon in Rio. Rio was the most breathtaking place to ever consummate an intimate love. We ate, we drank, we merried but most importantly, we made love, most passionately, soul-pouring love ever, at every chance we got. Oh boy! It was worth the wait. Earlier in our relationship, I had told my boyfriend that there would be no sex until our marriage and he had patiently waited, respecting my wishes.

Oh, mind you, I wasn’t a virgin; I just felt that I had had enough with premarital sex and its heartaches. Then I found God along the way, which helped strengthen my resolve to wait till my wedding night.

Now, to the issue at hand. My husband is a neat/organisation freak. My husband could organise and plan our friends’ lives and that of the universe without missing a beat. He is anal that way. I, on the other hand, could never keep up. I take each day as it comes, never worrying about tomorrow. I am neat, not just compulsive-obsessively neat though. No, I don’t keep everything in my laundry basket separated by the colours, fabrics and textures. No, too much organisation makes me feel like I am in a straight jacket and that is the most uncomfortable place to be in the entire world. And I hated it.

So, that was the lingering issue in the first few months of our new marriage. And it went unresolved. Each of us was seething underneath, never allowing the anger to blow over the top.

Occasionally when my husband complained about my lack of organisation skills, I took it very personal. It was a personal assault on my person, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him and I would go days having this funny thoughts in my head, which directly influenced the way I reacted to him.

Eventually, small issues become big one and we began to have problems.

Two years into our marriage, we began to have major problems. In rebellion, I began to be DISRESPECTFUL and vehemently STUBBORN. Did I mention I had an advanced degree in stubbornness? My new found habit infuriated my husband to bits and he would lash out verbally. Or sometimes, go mute for days. That noise, the silence was always so resounding that my ear drums would almost explode.

I became stressed and severely unhappy. To make matters worse, I couldn’t CONCEIVE. Not that anything was wrong with my reproductive system/organs or that of my husband’s, I just couldn’t conceive. Five years into my marriage, I contemplated a divorce. Deep down, we both knew we loved each other, we weren’t just happy anymore and I wanted out before I lost my mind.

My inability to conceive sent me on a spiral downward slope and I couldn’t pull the brakes. Yet, I couldn’t reach the bottom. It was as if I was freefalling a dark bottomless pit and all hell were let loose. That experience was ugly. Heck, I was ugly. Everybody who saw me was convinced that some monster had possessed me and eaten the once beautiful, lively and free-spirited girl they used to know up.

We were both miserable. We no longer had a connection anymore, except to device ways to torture each other more than the previous day. The sex, which had gradually become mechanical had finally stopped. We were both shell of our old selves.

Finally, we caught a break. One day at my gynecologist’s place, he mentioned that I needed to see a psychologist. He said he couldn’t find anything wrong with me, except that my mental state had become so fragile; it was on the brink of getting warped. I almost broke down in tears but held myself together till I got home.

During the hour-long drive back home, I felt a wave of new sadness wash over me. It suddenly hit me that I am losing my marriage and I wasn’t doing anything to save it, that although I loved my husband, we have suddenly become strangers. I reminiscenced about the first time we met, the first kiss, the first everything and how we had made our relationship work for six years. I had known my husband for 11 years of my life and I was about to lose him to a creeping insanity.

I barely made it to the front door when I broke down sobbing. I wept like a bereaved mother who had lost her only child. I wept for the love long gone. I wept for the years I had wasted and could never get back. I wept for everything. My husband, who had arrived home earlier than usual saw the anguish in me and came over. He cradled me gently to himself and asked what was wrong. I told him what my gynecologist said and he told me he would work through my issues with me.

I apologised for the hell I put him through. He did same and confessed that he was tired of our fights. He apologised for his sensitivity and he made a very remarkable point. We both left GOD out of our marriage. We both apologised to God for our behaviours, and made a commitment to hand our lives and issues back to God, who has the beautiful blueprint of our live.

The following morning, my husband made an appointment to see a psychologist together. But that night was when the HEALING began to take place. After a year of THERAPY, my husband and I retook our VOWS before God and a few family and friends. And we began our journey to live happily ever after.

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Are You In A Toxic Relationship? 10 Warning Signs

Are you in a toxic relationship? Would you know if you were?
What are the most common, telltale signs of a toxic relationship? You might answer with "You spend more time fighting than enjoying each other," but that's not the only sign of a toxic relationship. Here are nine more:

1. Hostility. Is your significant other hostile toward you? Are they angry a lot of the time? If you feel you are living with a lot of tension, feeling stressed and not able to express yourself the way you want, your relationship is not healthy for you. You want to feel the safety and security to express your authentic self.

2. Criticism and contempt. Does your significant other criticize or demean you? Are you on edge much of the time because you feel that you can't please your partner or do anything right? Do they make fun of you or criticize you in public, in front of friends or family? Do they act superior towards you or mock you? These are all warning signs of an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship.

3. Avoidance. Do they avoid you? Maybe they give double messages that make you feel confused (e.g. saying "Of course I love you" while not behaving in a loving manner). When they don't want to be physically affectionate, you end up feeling rejected. Meanwhile, they complain that you are too needy.

4. Rigidity. Is your partner open to being influenced by you? Are they self-reflective? When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, do they listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If they refuse to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, and refuse to go to counseling, you may be stuck in a toxic relationship. Then you need to ask yourself, "What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?"

5. Name calling. Also known as "dirty fighting," name calling is a definite sign of toxicity in a relationship. Attempting to hurt someone with words is not the way to resolve conflict or communicate hurt feelings. Problems usually escalate quickly when name-calling is present and it makes it especially difficult to create intimacy and connection in the relationship.

6. You aren't yourself. Do you change your likes, dislikes or opinions when you're with your partner? Feeling like you can't be yourself and adjusting to please for fear of retaliation can be a sign of a toxic relationship. It's important to be able to express yourself honestly in your relationship for authentic love to grow.

7. They're more like an over-inolved parent. He/she decides your career, who you hang out with. When they act like an over-involved parent, they choose which friends stay, which ones go and what kind of clothes you should wear. You've learned from past experiences that your thoughts and opinions do not matter to him and if you express them, you will regret it later on.

8. They are kings of guilt trips. They have a certain knack for making you feel guilty and indebted to him. You feel obligated to give in to whatever they want, especially when they remind you of that thoughtful gesture they've done for you lately. When every gesture comes with strings attached, it might be time to cut the cord.

9. He/she's your secret lover ... but not in a good way. Your family and friends don't like the way they treat you. Since they are more likely to give unsolicited relationship advice, you're afraid that what they have to say may be the truth. So, you tend to avoid talking about them, bringing them around, or involving them in any way with your friends and family.

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Reasons For Being Patient In A Relationship

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Not only is patience a virtue, it could make the difference in either you being single forever or ending up with your lifelong partner sooner than you’d even imagined. Blessing Ukemena writes with report from Madamnoire.com

The truth is, rushing things only tends to set you back. You could probably look at your dating history and find that to be very true. In love, patience truly is a virtue. If you look a little closer, you’d see that these ways of being more patient could save you some heartache.

You’re Considering A Life Partner
So, you’re having fun right now. And you could see the two of you being happy for a few years. What about beyond that? Could you see this partner stepping up the game if life gets difficult? Could you see yourself happy to hang out with him every day? Could you see the two of you living harmoniously under the same roof? It’s okay if you don’t know that the answer is yes. But if the answer is no…what are you doing in that relationship? Ask yourself all of those questions before making any big decisions, and don’t rush it.

Let Your Head Keep Up With Your Heart
You want to find love, and that’s a problem. Yes, it is, because we see what we want to see, and if love is what you’re looking for, you’ll think you see it in any half-decent guy. If you get caught up in the idea of having someone to take trips with and take home to your parents, it might be too late when you finally realise you’re not actually compatible. Playing house is fun with anyone for a while – usually long enough to get your heart tangled up in something it shouldn’t be. Take things slow, so you can see things clearly, without your enormous expectations interfering.

Red Flags Can Stay Very Hidden
There are many red flags in a relationship that just don’t come up in everyday conversation. And that won’t come up for hundreds of days. Some couples are going along, thinking everything is perfect, until a discussion over a pack of gum leads them to discover they have conflicting points of views on something that will be crucial to them getting along, something that may lead to a break up. Give yourself enough time to turn over every stone.

Life Won’t Pause For You
There are other aspects of your life, like work and school, that won’t pause because you are in a relationship. If you think you can throw all your energy into your relationship – all your time and attention and emotions – thinking you can get back to your work and friends later, you’re wrong. Those things will not wait for you. Somebody else will get promoted at work and somebody else will step in to hang out with your BFF. You need to make a point of balancing it all from the beginning. And spending six nights a week with a guy does not let you do that.

Different Points Of View
Remember, you see the world through your frame of reference; your past experiences, your memories, your upbringing, your traumas and so forth. Whenever you feel upset with a guy, and think you want to end things over something he’s said or done, pause for a minute and think about where he is coming from. Point of view is everything in relationships and too many end prematurely because nobody was seeing things from the other person’s point of view.

For Emotional Clarity
Women feel before they think. It’s just true and it’s not always a bad thing. Our intuition gets us far in life, but when it comes to love, our emotions are the one thing that can lead us astray. Decisions (decisions to move in together, to break up, to bring up an issue) shouldn’t be made out of fear of being alone, or personal insecurities, or anger or pain. But these fears all tend to be louder than our rational thoughts. The bigger the decision, the more time you should allow for your emotions to subside before you make it.

There Will Be Plenty Of Fights
If you’re going to argue because a guy is 15 minutes late, you’re going to have a miserable life, because as far as arguments go, you ain’t seen nothing yet. There will also be rent and mortgages and bills and in-laws and children and health insurance to argue about. Think about that when picking your battles. And don’t pick the small ones. You want issues? Life will give you issues.

You Can Sleep Off Most Things
Seriously, you actually can. Don’t pick a fight right before bedtime. These are usually provoked by crankiness, and escalate as you get sleepier and crankier. Everything seems worse when you’re tired. You’d be amazed how many problems a good night’s rest can fix. So, even if you feel you have to pick a certain fight, just wait and see if you still want to tomorrow.

Men Don’t Respond To Yelling
Men seal up and lock up like a vault when yelled at. If saying something now will mean yelling, go for a walk, go back to your own apartment, call a friend and vent, but wait until you respond to something upsetting your partner has done or said. If you yell, it might be a week before your guy gives you his audience again.

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Why Nollywood marriages breakdown –Iyabo Ojo

Iyabo Ojo, Nollywood actress, is a household name and a front-liner in the Yoruba movie circle even as she maintains a crossover appeal with the English counterpart. Noted more for her girl-about-town roles, Ojo is also a film producer of class, having churned out award-wining flicks like Omo Gomina and Arinzo currently making waves, and Tembelu just waiting to be released. She spoke to Gboyega Alaka on a number of industry issues, including her latest works, the susceptibility of Nollywood marriages, piracy and her newly opened beauty clinic.

YOU are one actress who’s got a peculiar swagger to your personality, especially when acting the girl-about-town roles; where did all that come from?
Well I guess that might suggest that I kind of grew up in the streets. But not at all; I’m actually a very homely girl. My grandmother is Ibo and in Ibo tradition, after school, the next thing for the woman is the kitchen. So I’m a relatively homely girl. But where did I get all the swag and charisma from? First, I’d say from God. When I started acting, I started going out a lot, to events, to nightclubs; and when I’m out there, I try to study people a lot. I see how the town girls behave, how they talk; more especially those with unusual characters.

Have you at any time suffered stigmatisation by people based on certain roles you have played?
Yeah, a lot of that happens. I know I regularly play town-girl, bad babe, armed robber, criminal; and some people unfortunately tend to see me in that light, probably because of my look or because I play it well and maybe because I also have tattoos on me. I know people tend to regard those of us wearing tattoos like, ‘Oh, she has tattoos, so she must be a very baaaaad girl.’ However, when they have the opportunity of getting close to me, the equation usually changes and the next thing is ‘Iyabo, are you always this quiet?’

Your latest film, Arinzo, has all the trappings of a blockbuster, what has been the response in the market?
It’s been wonderful. Even up till this moment, I keep getting messages from my fans and they’re just loving it. The good news is that the concluding part is going to be out this September and I’m sure they can’t wait to see it. This is the first time I’m dividing my films into two, which is a way of combating the piracy menace; but I’m glad they’re looking beyond that.

Aside Arinzo, what other films have you produced?
I have Tembelu. It’s the first old school comedy in Yoruba. The promo is already out; but we want the concluding part of Arinzo to hit the market before we release it. And there is Enu Orofo which I shot for Gbeminiyi Adegbola, who has been my P. A. for over nine years. She’s the producer, but I am the executive producer. Of course, I have talked about Omo Gomina. Timbale is in the studio, as we speak, and once that is out, I’ll be going on location again to shoot another movie.

What were the challenges making that movie, considering that it is a Yoruba movie, shot mainly in Ghana and featuring some Ghanaian acts as well?
What I do usually before I go into any production is plan ahead. It took me a year before I got myself ready to shoot Arinzo, going back and forth to Ghana to get the right person to stand for me and co-ordinate activities. And once I got that person, she took charge and made sure all logistics worked well for a smooth shooting. However, it was capital-intensive, but because we had planned it ahead, it wasn’t outrightly difficult to accomplish.

When you shoot a film outside Nigeria, do you have to pay some kind of fee or you just move in and shoot?
Of course we pay, like when I went to shoot the film Omo Gomina in South Africa. I also had a co-ordinator on ground, who took care of all the fees, while I just made the fund available. In Ghana, we had to pay for the fact that we were coming to shoot in the country. We also paid for the airport that we used in the film; we paid for the police because we used real policemen and their vans and their guns. We even had to fill a form; we had to send a letter ahead, even to the university that we used, for approval – the university didn’t take a dime.

Tell us of the challenges of being an actress?
The major challenge that comes with being an actress is that people tend to have a different opinion about you based on what they watch. Aside that, a lot of people want to be your friend, or want you to be their mentor. And if you don’t respond the way they want – because you can’t respond accordingly to everybody’s expectation – it becomes a problem. There is also the part where people violate your privacy and write a lot of things about you that may or may not be true. Apart from these, being an actress is just an interesting experience. It can be very tasking and strenuous but you learn to manage that.
Nollywood is replete with cases of broken marriages, and here you are too, a single mother who was once married….

I wasn’t even a star when I got married. And when I got out of my marriage, I still wasn’t a star. Up until I got married, I’d only featured in one film, Satanic, and I pulled out of the industry the moment I got married. So I wasn’t acting in those years that I was married. I was a full-time housewife and businesswoman. And so if I had problems with my marriage, it had nothing to do with my acting profession. I actually chose to come back into acting because I had started having issues with my marriage and knew it wasn’t making me happy. And I knew that wasn’t the way I wanted to live my life. Yes, there are lots of problems in celebrity marriages; and the reason is that as celebrities, we live in our own world. We work hard a lot, moving from one location to the other; and usually when a female in the industry meets a male guy who just comes from the blues, he usually comes with a lot of loaded lies and sweeps some of these colleagues of mine off their feet. And they in turn are not patient enough to study these guys well enough, because ‘society expects them to be married.’ So people tend to marry for specific reasons, and as far as I am concerned, you mustn’t be able to define the reason you love someone to the extent of marriage. Once you get married for a reason, then there is a problem. I got married because I was pregnant. That was a reason. My husband married me because I was pregnant for him. That was also a reason. Most men get married to ladies in the industry because of the celebrity aura around them, only to realise that there is a lot to marriage than that. They also discover that in reality, these ladies aren’t as perfect as the screens project them. And then the men cannot get used to the ego that comes with the profession and typically want to be the man and break those wings. And if the woman is such that wouldn’t be tamed, then there is a crisis and a collision.

Piracy continues to be a problem in Nigeria. As a major player, how do you view the menace?
It’s annoying. It’s frustrating. You know Arinzo came out on a Monday; now by Tuesday the following day, a friend of mine went to the market and bought a pirated copy. Now, the CD didn’t just contain Arinzo alone, but two other films were added and sold at a hundred naira. It’s that bad. Now some of us want to shoot good movie, but when you spend so much money on a film and you don’t make that money back, then you get discouraged. And that’s why we keep saying that the government need to set up a task force with a primary responsibility of dealing with this menace, just as they have KAI Brigade dealing with people who cross the highways.

Let’s talk about FESPRIS, your new beauty clinic.
FESPRIS is a combination of my two children, Festus and Priscilla. It opened officially on August 11, 2013 and it’s basically a beauty clinic where we have a spa, do scrub, facials; we also have the salon where you do your hair, nail studio for nails, manicure and pedicure; the tattoo section, where you can have your tattoos and piercing. I also have my office here from where I run my business, because I’m also into events management. I have ushers, I have models and I also do bridal beads, bridal make-up; and cakes of all sorts.

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9 steps to end relationships with maturity

There are a million reasons why relationships end, but infidelity, bad timing and lack of chemistry are probably the most common. For whatever reason, ending a relationship is one of the most difficult actions you will ever have to take, and the longer the relationship lasts, the harder it gets. Unfortunately there is no easy way to break up with someone; there is a way to do it gracefully, with maturity and respect. Here are nine steps to help you end a relationship.

Acknowledge the problem
How do you know when your relationship has hit a dead-end? Sometimes the answer is obvious. Other times you may not be so sure. Here are some signs that it is time to end your relationship:
You always feel frustrated.
You find reasons to spend time apart.
You wish your relationship was more like the way it was in the beginning.
You changed your values, beliefs or goals to accommodate your partner with the hope that the relationship would get better. It didn’t.
You have drastically changed your appearance so that your partner will find you more attractive.
You have cut off close relationships with friends and family members to be with your partner.
You are being physically, emotionally or sexually abused.
If you and your partner are constantly fighting, if you don’t share the same beliefs or goals, and (especially) if you are being abused, it is time for your relationship to end. But what if you are stuck in a mediocre relationship? On a scale of 1-10, your relationship is a six. Should you risk what you already have in the hopes of finding something better? Only you can decide. But the bottom line is, a relationship should add to your quality of life, not taking away from it.

Make a decision.
Make sure that you assess the issue from a clear, rational perspective. Never make a decision when you feel angry. Take the time to consider the consequences of all your possible actions – especially if you have children together. Ending a marriage is not the same as breaking things off with a guy you’ve been seeing casually for a few months. Whatever you choose to do, you must be confident in your decision.

Find a neutral setting.
The best place to have “the talk” is a private, neutral setting. Find someplace where the two of you will have the privacy to freely express yourselves and show your emotions. Restaurants and other public places are generally a bad idea. The last thing you want is your partner weeping, yelling or calling you names in front of a live audience.

On the other hand, if you are afraid that your partner may react violently, definitely end your relationship in a public setting where you can call for help if necessary.

Choose your words carefully.
Start by letting your partner know how much you value the good parts of your relationship. Maybe, he is a great listener. Maybe he has a killer sense of humour. Tell him how much you’ve gained or learned from your relationship. Go above and beyond the standard by saying something like, “You’re a great guy, but…” or, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Tell him something genuine and from the heart that he can remember and, hopefully, find comfort in later.

Prepare for backlash.
Your partner may be so devastated by your break-up that his only recourse is to hurt you in return. It’s an immature reaction, but we’re all human. If your partner starts throwing out verbal and emotional slings and arrows, resist the temptation to fire back. Understand that he is only trying to hurt you because he feels hurt. Be the bigger person and hold your tongue. If that doesn’t work, just walk away.

Don’t blame yourself.
You are ending your relationship because it is the best move to make for both of you. If you are addressing the situation honestly, without placing blame or judgment on your partner, there is no reason to feel guilty. You are attempting to end the relationship as painlessly as possible. But the truth is, his feelings will probably be hurt. Just know you are not obligated to take responsibility for his feelings. All you can do is be honest with him and with yourself. In the end, you have to do the right thing.

Make a clean break.
A few days, weeks or even months after your break up, you may start to reminisce about your ex-partner. You may start thinking about all the good times you had, or wonder what he is up to. These are normal and natural feelings, but it is important not to act on them. There is a reason why you ended the relationship in the first place, and starting things up again will only reopen old wounds. Keep your distance, at least for a few months, until you can get back on your feet. And no matter what, do not drink and dial. Booty calls are strictly off limits.

Allow yourself grieving time.
Ending a relationship means losing a person who used to be a significant part of your life. Even if you are the one breaking it off, the loss is bound to hurt. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and grief that naturally accompanies a break-up. These emotions are nothing to be ashamed of and signify the real feelings you once had for another.
When you end a relationship, you may feel as if you’ve lost a part of yourself. Understand that this feeling will go away in time. Until then it is important to let go of the past and learn from your mistakes. Breaking up with someone doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you honest and uncompromising about who you are and what you want out of life and love.

Do you fight fair?
No relationship is perfect, and at some point you’re going to have a confrontation with a coworker, neighbor or someone you love. Disagreements can be a way to respectfully voice your opinion and carefully consider the other person’s thoughts - or they can be an all-out, name-calling fiasco.

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